Tough Pills to Swallow

For some reason I am having a really difficult time with this chemo that I am on right now. It is supposed to be a "mild" or "easy" chemo, especially compared to what I have been through all ready. I take it orally, twice a day for one week and then have one week off, and then start over. I am doing this while doing radiation (which is 5 days a week M-F for 7 weeks) because the chemo drug enhances the radiation. So, it is a two-fer...I get the chemo for systemic treatment and enhanced targeted treatment with the radiation.

Unfortunately I am having side effects from this drug. Mostly nausea. I started to type "just nausea" but anyone who has had prolonged periods of nausea knows that it is not a "just" type of deal. It really bites. You feel like you shouldn't move, because movement makes you feel worse and might trigger vomiting. You don't want to eat, because that makes you feel more nauseous, but if you don't eat you can get headaches or feel weak. I take anti-nausea medication and that helps some, but I still feel pretty crappy right now. And on this round, the crappy feeling started right with the first dose. My doctor has already reduced my dose once because of the side effects during the first round, so I don't know if we can reduce them again. And I don't know if we would want to. Obviously I hate feeling sick, but I also need the medications to work and kill all of the cancer so that I can eventually move on with my life. I don't want to whine too much about the side effects or refuse to take the drugs because of them if I need them.

I am not sure if it is just because of the side effects or if it is also because of my overall exhaustion with the whole cancer deal, but every time it is time for me to take my dose I want to cry. I have to do mental gymnastics to get myself to 1) eat so that I can take the meds, 2) pick up the damn bottle, and finally 3) take the meds. I feel like such a wimp for struggling so much with this "easy" treatment, but I admit that it is taking a toll on me. I still have a month left of radiation, 21 more treatments to be exact, so I'll have 2 or 3 more rounds of the chemo. Then I am also supposed to take this chemo with two other drugs for about 3 months. My oncologist says that I get a break between radiation and the start of the new chemo, but I don't know if I will continue to take the Xeloda through the "break."

There isn't much to do except put on my big girl panties, try to keep the side effects in check, and take the fucking medication. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it. Or that I am not going to want to cry before each dose.